Out Like A…I Don’t Care, Just OUT.

This month has been a mess. I’m just gonna lay it out there. I still wholeheartedly believe in total wellness and the importance of eating well and exercising regularly…but this month I haven’t been living up to my ideals. It started out wonderfully-hyped up off of all the success from Hammer and Chisel, breaking running PRs left and right, a FABULOUS visit from my sister and my adorable nephew. Talk about “in like a lion” March started with a ROAR!

And then I sprained my ankle.

And then my youngest got either a stomach bug or developed an egg allergy (doctor’s appointment scheduled).

And then, and then…

The biggest thing, the far biggest mess of March, has been an accumulation of cyclical hope and frustration that started last January. Last January when Brian put giving the boys another sibling on the table. Last February when I agreed to start weaning Zane earlier then I had planned to hopefully have the third child close in age to the boys. Last March when I had my first cycle. Last April when I had another. Then last May…June…July…August…September…You get the gist.

Then THIS February being unpleasantly caught a day early by surprise while at the playground.

Then this month. March. The day arrived, and passed, and I tested negative. Then the next day. Negative. Then the next, and the next, and the next… I stopped testing, but I remained hopeful. I have never been late a day in my life, my ovaries are like clockwork, there was only one good reason for being late…Out talking to the neighbors while the boys played and OH MY GOODNESS time to beat a hasty retreat to the house.

8 days late. Over a week late. Over a year of trying.

I feel like the appropriate progression of this story is some dramatic meltdown on my part while sobbing in the bathroom, but honestly I just sighed, and shrugged. It’ll happen, or not, in God’s timing, not mine. Am I frustrated? Yes. And the week of hope definitely threw my emotional equilibrium. A week of wondering where we’d put the extra crib, if we’d move Brian’s desk into the bedroom, how the boys would respond to a sibling, whether or not I’d get morning sickness this time… So instead of focusing on exercise and eating balanced, I’ve been focusing on me and Christ. Introspection, prayer, study, seeking time to be alone and listen. And it has been good, y’all. Painful at times, peace-filled at times, always real, and really good.

I didn’t throw fitness all out the window, I still eat pretty darn clean because I’m just used to it now, and it was more like “an extra carb serving here, forgetting to get a protein in there, an extra dollop of peanut butter with my apple”…nothing crazy, just nothing really planned or focused either. And these last two weeks have been hit or miss with the workouts. I’ve managed two early morning workouts before the kids-and then Zane caught a hacking cough and he’s thwarted the “early uppers club” once again. Today I managed to get a PiYo in during their breakfast, and tomorrow if Zane ends up in our bed again I may resort to that again.

My point is-March was messy and imperfect, but that’s how life is. It isn’t always riding success highs or fighting to persevere with gritted teeth. Sometimes it’s just tripping and stumbling a bit and trying again with a shrug. I’m tackling the month of April with renewed vigor and focus-I’m restarting the Hammer and Chisel workouts because I LOVE them and I’m super excited for our Clean Eating Workshop coming up on the 4th. I’ll be meal planning once again with an eye on more budget friendly recipes, and I even signed up for a vendor fair to spread the fitness love.

I won’t miss you, March. Onwards!

2 thoughts on “Out Like A…I Don’t Care, Just OUT.”

  1. Hi, I follow you on Instagram and saw your God’s timing post. I hear you. I’ve been wanting a baby since I got married (4 years ago). The first step,get married, check. All I have to do now is wait for 2 years to enjoy the honeymoon phase ( that’s what I heard newlyweds should do), so I waited and waited and waited. It’s been 4 years now and still nothing. I’m the opposite of you my cycles are irregular, they come and go when they want. They last a whole month and stop for a week and then starts all over again and stays for a month. I’m anemic because of this and I need to take iron supplements. I think of giving up all the time. This year, for reasons unknown to me, my cycle has been regular. I get it every month for 7 days. I think maybe this is a way of God preparing me to be able to get pregnant. I see many people pregnant around me. I don’t mean to hate on them but I always think why not me. My dream is to be a mom but maybe just maybe God has other plans for me. God’s timing and will is all I can rest on. I’ll keep you in my prayers.

    P.S. My Gyno told me that I need to lose weight. I’m 260 pounds but I see woman bigger than me with babies. So I don’t know how true that is. I’ve lost ten. Let’s see if that works.

    1. I want to give you a hug. I feel you, it is one of the single most frustrating and disheartening experiences I’ve gone through. You are on my prayer list now, and I’ll be faithful in lifting you up since it is a request that I echo. <3 Weight is a factor in pregnancy-and it goes both ways, you can be too heavy OR too light, but there will ALWAYS be women who can get pregnant no matter what, so try not to be discouraged! The fact that your cycle has normalized is hopefully a great sign. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *